What does it really mean to 'heal from trauma'?
This article aims to facilitate understanding of what ‘healing from trauma’ really means. It describes some behaviours that people who are rising above their trauma engage in on a regular basis.
You were not responsible for what happened to you. But you are responsible for your recovery, because healing comes from within the Self. It is helped when we receive support, empathy and care from others, but only we can do the practical and introspective work. We have to show up for ourselves and commit to doing the work. When we take back control a sense of hope will follow.
Healing means past events no longer have a hold over us. It does not mean we forget what happened, forget the person or people responsible, that it was ok or not significant. It means we can move forward no longer in the clutches of old survival strategies and self-destructive protective mechanisms. It means ''I make decisions from healthy, constructive learnings I have taken from my past experiences. I keep hold of and implement the useful, adaptive information and let go of narratives that hold me back.''
As we heal and move forwards from a traumatic past, we will start to notices shifts in thought patterns, emotions and behaviours. These may be micro-shifts to begin with, it might feel like the exception not the rule. But small steps are often sustainable and less unnerving. We can work on lengthening our stride over time. Patience and persistence are key.
Recognising where we need to place the focus can help simplify the healing journey. It is important to prioritise what mind and body shifts will feel meaningful and significant to you. Keeping a narrow focus can prevent overwhelm. When gains are made in one area, this often has a positive effect across other problematic symptoms too.
5 habits and behaviours that will help you heal from trauma
Start by reflecting on the habits and behaviours below that many of my clients learn to engage in during the healing process. These are not major undertakings, but subtle actions that lead to positive change over time. Which habit or behaviour would you like to grow or develop? What can you do to calm the chaos and take back control?
- Accept the reality of your past
Denying the reality of your past, downplaying or hiding it often goes hand in hand with supressing emotions. Feeling shame about past experiences invalidates important emotions causing shutdown and withdrawal. Shame thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. When shame takes over, trauma wins. It prevents us from being authentic and utilising our full potential. We deny ourselves the opportunity to be heard and understood.
We have a brain that has evolved to think, imagine, anticipate and give meaning to events in life - which can also look in on our experience of trauma and judge, self-blame, ruminate and worry. No other mammal can do this. However, if we can use these unique qualities of the Brain to acknowledge and accept what we went through with compassion and sensitivity, we can transcend the suffering and ensure that we never become like the people who mistreated us.
When you notice dysregulation in the mind and body, see if you can name the underlying emotion. Acknowledge the visceral sensations and any urges to act. Notice that these are just thoughts and feelings. Emotions that feel too strong for the current situation are often rooted in our past, and can lead to behaviours that are self sabotaging or life limiting. It is important to witness the suffering of our younger parts with compassion and sensitivity. This means learning to notice, engage with, tolerate and understand distress and difficulties. On the back of this learning be prepared to take wise action, based on the knowledge and experience of your protective adult self.
- What implicit beliefs inform your way of being?
To rise above the influences of past trauma we must get curious as to why we respond to certain things in the way we do. Our upbringing and subsequent life experiences result in the development of a ‘belief system’ that informs the view we have of ourselves, others and the World. Here are just a few examples i.e I'm good, I'm bad, I'm a disappointment, I'm insignificant, I'm valued, I'm worthless etc. The list is truly endless. These are called 'emotional learnings’ and they operate below the level of conscious awareness, influencing how we think, feel and behave. Natural selection has evolved the brain so these emotional learnings, whether good or bad, don’t fade out over time, even if they become unhelpful or no longer relevant. They faithfully keep responding to their cues, decade after decade. They are built to last a lifetime.
Are the long-standing beliefs that you hold about yourself, others and the World still relevant and useful? What emotions and behaviours are been driven by an outdated belief system? What do you know to be true now, even if the feeling doesn’t match? Recognise thoughts which were theories or truths from ‘back then’ but that are now not a reality.
- Engage in activities that bring you joy
A negative belief system that is driven by feelings of worthless and a lack of deserving may act as a barrier to taking care of one’s own basic needs, engaging in activities that we enjoy and making time to prioritise our own emotional and physical wellbeing. You may have been programmed at a young age to feel shame for having wants and needs. Or you may only have received reward and recognition due to people-pleasing behaviours.
Self-worth stems from how we meet our own needs and the healthy boundaries that we put in place to protect ourselves from the intentional or unintentional harmful actions of others. This type of agency is often lacking in childhood, unless we are appropriately encouraged and supported by caregivers. It can also be seriously impacted in adulthood if we become embroiled in abusive relationships.
Shame-based programming can be difficult to break free from, but how we treat and relate to ‘self’ is an indicator of what treatment we will tolerate and accept from others in the future. Therefore, an important part of healing from trauma is taking small steps towards meeting your own needs and doing things that bring even short bursts of joy. Realising your worth means better treatment of self, and less tolerance to poor treatment from others.
- Explore authenticity
Two of the basic needs of human beings are attachment and authenticity - knowing what we feel and being able to express who we are. Attachment (safety, security, connection and belonging) often overrides authenticity for the sake of survival, this is especially true in childhood. Attachment to others which does not allow us to think, feel and act authentically leads to suppression of our true self.
Do your opinions, decisions and priorities feel like they ‘belong’ to you, or are they simply an extension of your upbringing and the messages you received from caregivers, authority figures and peers? Are you living the life you want to lead? Are your actions in line with your moral values, or do you find yourself going along with a plans and behaviours even though it feels jarring for you in some way?
- Respond rather than react
Knee-jerk reactions may bring us immediate relief in the moment, but what follows is often shame, anger and frustration as we realise the consequence of our actions. Curious and compassionate daily reflection of what ‘triggers’ us can facilitate an enhanced awareness and understanding of how our mind and body is reacting to everyday stimuli, and where this links to in our past. With practice, we can use our learnings in the moment to make conscious and informed choices about how we want to respond. So instead of acting out of habit or been driven by past trauma that is not our current reality, we can choose a response that is proportionate to the here and now.
Support to heal from trauma
If you are interested in working towards long term resolution of your trauma history please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me to discuss how EMDR or Internal Family Systems informed talking therapy could help you reach that goal and find inner peace. I adopt a relaxed client-centred approach, and believe that we have an innate human instinct to grow and self-actualise, even in the most challenging circumstances.
Most people benefit from an initial consultation as a starting point. This would take the form of a 50 minute session, held online via video call. The cost of this initial appointment is £65, payable at the time of booking. At this session we will explore your symptoms or concerns and discuss what you would like to gain from therapy. You are also free to ask any questions about the therapy process and my way of working. If we both feel that I am the right counsellor for you, we can agree on a mutually convenient day and time for future appointments. To book an initial consultation please email me at calmthechaoscounselling@gmail.com
