EMDR therapy and counselling for trauma and PTSD
Over the first two parts of this series, we've explored how the autonomic nervous system scans for danger outside of conscious awareness, and how a felt sense of safety is shaped by choice and control, context and connection. Now it's time to put that understanding into practice.
Personalised cues of safety are the signals, sensations, behaviours and environmental features that help your nervous system recognise the present moment as safe. They're unique to each person because they're shaped by history, culture, attachment and lived experience.
Developing your own cues of safety is an active process. It isn't about trying to make yourself feel calm all the time, or creating a life where you never experience stress, anxiety or activation. A regulated nervous system isn't one that never detects danger; it's one that can respond flexibly to what is happening and return towards safety when the threat has passed.
The aim is to become more familiar with what helps you feel settled, what your nervous system interprets as threatening and what you can do when you notice yourself becoming activated. The more you understand these patterns, the more options you have for responding rather than simply reacting.
Below is a structured way to begin building your own cues of safety.
Start by noticing the people, places, objects and sensory experiences that reliably help your body settle. These are your regulating cues. This might include:
As you identify these things, pay attention to what happens in your body. Does your breathing become easier? Do your shoulders drop? Does your jaw soften? Do you feel more present, grounded or able to think clearly?
This is important because regulation isn't only something you think about. Learning to recognise the subtle physical signs of feeling safer helps you become more familiar with your own nervous system.
And remember, a cue of safety doesn't have to be particularly profound or therapeutic. Sometimes it's remarkably ordinary: knowing where you're going, having your favourite mug beside you, sitting somewhere you feel comfortable, hearing a familiar voice or knowing what time you're leaving.
Make a list of your regulating cues under four headings:
People | Places | Things | Activities
Keep adding to it over time. You may discover that some of your strongest cues of safety are things you have previously taken for granted.
Equally important is recognising what your nervous system interprets as unsafe, even if your thinking brain knows there's no real threat. These are your threat cues. Examples might include:
A threat cue isn't necessarily evidence that something is dangerous. It's a signal that your nervous system has learned to associate with the possibility of danger. Sometimes that prediction is accurate; sometimes it comes from an earlier experience and doesn't fully fit the situation you're in now.
Mapping these cues can help you understand why dysregulation appears so quickly in certain environments. You may begin to notice that your response isn't random: there are particular sights, sounds, situations or interpersonal dynamics that your nervous system has learned to pay attention to.
Once you have a clearer sense of what your nervous system finds challenging, you can begin to plan and prepare for these situations.
The aim isn't to avoid every potential trigger. Avoidance can sometimes reinforce the message that a situation is dangerous. Instead, the information you gather can help you create a personal 'safety plan' for situations that may feel dysregulating. This might involve making adjustments, having choices available, knowing what support you need or simply giving yourself more time to prepare.
The goal is to increase your sense of control, choice and agency rather than allowing your nervous system to feel that it has no options.
Once you've identified your regulating and dysregulating cues, you can gently become curious about where some of your reactions may have come from.
You might ask yourself:
You don't need to find a definitive explanation for every reaction. The purpose isn't to analyse yourself or prove that your response is unreasonable. It's to develop a little more curiosity about what your nervous system is responding to.
Sometimes a reaction makes complete sense in the context of your history. Sometimes an old protective response continues to appear even though your circumstances have changed.
Being able to notice the difference between what is happening now and what your nervous system may be expecting can create a little more space between the trigger and your response.
Once you know more about what helps you regulate, you can begin creating cues of safety that you can use intentionally.
These can be internal - thoughts, images, breathing patterns or memories - or external, such as objects, actions, environmental adjustments or supportive people.
For example:
Sometimes, the most useful cue of safety isn't something you do to calm yourself down. It's a change you make to the situation itself.
This is where choice and control become particularly important. You might increase your sense of safety by:
For example:
"I choose to spend more of my time with people who are respectful, supportive and good for my wellbeing."
"Kindness and respect are non-negotiable in my relationships."
"I protect my sleep by making choices about my evening commitments."
"I work within my scheduled hours and don't routinely respond to work calls, texts or emails outside them."
These aren't simply rules for managing your behaviour. They can provide your nervous system with information about predictability, boundaries, choice and control.
Imagine someone becomes particularly anxious in busy, unfamiliar environments.
Their map might look something like this:
Threat cues: crowds, unpredictable noise, not knowing where to go and feeling unable to leave.
Regulating cues: knowing the layout beforehand, having somewhere quiet to step into, wearing headphones and travelling with someone they trust.
Choice and control: arriving early, choosing where to sit and knowing how they can leave if they need to.
Connection: having someone they feel safe with nearby or knowing who they can contact if they become overwhelmed.
Rather than simply telling themselves, "There's nothing to be anxious about," they can ask:
"What can I put in place that gives my nervous system more information, choice and predictability?"
The answer might be as simple as looking at the venue beforehand, arriving ten minutes early, choosing a seat near an exit and taking headphones with them.
The aim isn't to guarantee that they won't become anxious. It's to give their nervous system more information and more options.
Building cues of safety is most effective when you practise recognising and using them before you desperately need them.
When you're highly activated, your ability to think flexibly, problem-solve and make decisions can be reduced. Practising when you're relatively settled means you don't have to work everything out for the first time when you're already overwhelmed.
Try choosing one cue of safety and noticing it once a day for a week.
You don't even need to try to make yourself feel different. Simply pause and notice:
What happens in my body when I connect with this cue?
Perhaps your breathing changes. Maybe you feel more grounded, your muscles soften or your thoughts become a little clearer.
With repetition, you become more familiar with the experience of regulation and more able to recognise it when you need it.
Your nervous system begins to learn:
Over time, these experiences can become part of your internal toolkit.
When entering an environment you know may be activating, you can use what you've learned to do a simple safety scan.
What around me feels safe?
What might my nervous system interpret as threatening?
What can I adjust, choose or control?
Who or what could support me?
Then ask yourself:
What do I need, or what can I do, to increase my sense of safety right now?
You may not be able to change the situation completely. You may not be able to remove the trigger. But there may be something small you can change: where you sit, who you contact, how much time you give yourself, what you take with you, or simply reminding yourself that you have choices.
This is the thread that ties the whole series together.
Your nervous system isn't working against you; it's trying to protect you with the information it has. The more you learn to recognise its signals, the more information you can give it about what is happening now, what you can choose and where you can find support.
Regulation isn't about never feeling anxious, activated or overwhelmed. It's about developing more flexibility in how you respond, so that you have greater choice and agency when your nervous system sounds the alarm.
You don't have to work through these patterns on your own. Sometimes our nervous system has learned to respond to experiences in ways that can be difficult to understand or change, particularly when those responses are rooted in trauma. EMDR therapy and trauma-focused counselling can help you make sense of these patterns, develop greater emotional regulation and begin to feel safer and more in control in your everyday life.
If you'd like support with understanding your nervous system and moving towards meaningful change, get in touch to arrange an initial consultation.
